the deadboy- you. you. you. you. you were my friend for years. in my darkest times i always knew that you would never judge me, so many times i spilled my most fucked up feelings to you, and you always helped me. you were the only person i ever knew that was truly more fucked up than me and so how could you judge? you watched me more than i ever understood in those days and then i disappeared for a few years…i grew up, saw the world, lived through more self inflicted mistakes than i’d like to remember now, and when i saw you again, we were grown ups and we were electric. the night you came back into my life is forever burned upon my soul. you danced with me. i remember my roommate telling me on the way home that you were in love with me, and i laughed it off saying we were just old friends, but he knew. and i knew, how untrue that statement was.
those 2 months were the the most magical ive ever known. you said i reminded you of fall, you will always be my winter. our little drug induced love song will play in my head for the rest of my life. not knowing you were there and looking up to see you standing outside my door watching me paint with the most beautiful look in your eyes. making love, again and again and again. thinking of you waking me up with your hands and mouth all over me still makes me tingle. you taught me what passion was. the movies we watched, the music we listened to, those things you left behind for me. you were the most beautiful soul i have ever known. you were preparing me for losing you, and i had no idea, looking back i see that now. i was only a pit stop on the way to your date with death, i was helping you prepare for dying and i had no way to know.
why you killed yourself i will never fully know. your family and friends all remarked to me how much i made you smile, a smile they hadnt seen in so long. ever since the day you left, a part of me has been dead with you, but also a fire for you lives inside me always.
you left me in ruins, but i cant hold it against you. we had something that was once in a lifetime. but then again, isnt love always like that? i could write a 1000 page book on our love and still need more pages to explain it.
i dont think i'll ever experience love like we had ever again.
maybe ive just lived through too much to see the magic in life anymore. ive become cold and old and bitter.
